Heidi Marie

09:51 am: <3
I get to see Steve today!!! I miss him soooo much! And am so excited! I feel like a giddy little school girl!

I love Steven!

11:14 am: now be my friend!
http://www.myspace.com/heidiemmendorfer

10:06 am: Dorky
I am officially lame now....

I'm on My Space - be my friends?!?!
Karianne - join me in being lame won't you?! :)

I love being lame! Bitch!

10:27 am: It is over....
And by that I mean the pain, heart ache and anticipation. Steve and I talked today and we both agreed that we love each other way to much to throw this out. We're giving it another go. THANK YOU GOD!! I know it's gonna work this time, I'm 100% positive we will live happily ever after. Things aren't perfect right now, but we are working on it because we want to, and we want each other. I have never, ever been this happy in my whole entire life. I feel like a giddy little school girl in a brand new relationship. I love it!!

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me over this last week just to listen to me talk (somestimes to myself) or to cry. I couldn't have got through it without friends like you! And my dad and my dog! lol

I love Steven Eric Holtz with all my heart and soul

Emmendorfer out!

09:53 am: I didn't cry yesterday....I made Jenny cry, but I didn't. Not saying I didn't feel like it, or want to, or push it away - but I didn't cry.

Not looking forward to today...

10:58 am: it's not a dream...
So this breakup thing isn't getting any easier whatsoever. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't last a whole day at work. My life is falling apart. I want to just give up on everything. I wanna drop out of school, quit sorority and just go to my stupid job then back home only so I can pay for my car. And you know what everyone keeps saying? They keep telling me he's just scared, he needs time, he'll realize what he's lost. Well one, how do they know? and two, what if he doesn't? What if when he calls me in a few weeks he tells me that this time apart has been exactly what he needed and he loved it. What if we are never together again? I'm sick just thinking about it. But then I think what if he does come to his senses? A 5 1/2 year relationship can't just end like that can it? Not when the two involved still love each other, and wanna be with each other and don't wanna lose each other. He says he's not throwing this relationship away - does that mean we'll get another shot at it after this time? Dear god I hope so. I'm trying so hard to be positive, but I don't wanna get my hopes up at the same time. My mind is constantly racing. And he says even if things don't work out we will continue to be best friends - I can't do that. I know it may sound selfish but with him it's going to be all or nothing. I can't be with him and not hug and kiss him, or call him babe, or say I love you. And I CANNOT go through this again. Whoever said it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved before is full of shit. If you don't love, you don't hurt like this. I wish I had no feelings.

06:30 am: And it is
Last night it all came to an end. He says maybe we just need some real time apart, or maybe we're really not meant for one another. We are not losing one another for good. After we get through this hard time, we will be friends. His promise. This would be so much easier if we hated each other, but our breakup was full of hundreds of I love you's, we're not over, we will always be in each other's life etc. As of right now, I honestly don't see how I can do this.....

Almost 6 years.....gone

10:31 am: I never thought it would come to this
It might actually be over. I've never been so scared, or felt so sick in my life. This sucks.

07:13 am: I am so confused...
Well so much for me being happier. I'm told I'm taking it out of context and that I'm being to sensitive but how does he expect me to act when the man I love, and "knew" I was going to be with for the rest of my life tells me that he's skeptical about out relationship working out. He says he loves me, and he wants to be with me - then what's the problem here? What is there to be skeptical about? He says maybe were both just two different people and since we keep getting into the same fights over and over again there's just some things that can't be worked out. Sometimes love isn't enough - I got that thrown back in my face. How am I supposed to feel when he tells me he's starting to believe that? Someone tell me! I'm so confused. I want nothing more than to fix everything - make it all perfect. Unfortunately I can't this time - because it's not all me - he's the one unsure of us. He says he did not say it won't work, and he wants it to work so should I just go on like normal, like nothing has changed? I don't think I can. I can't stand knowing that he's having doubts - but like he says, it's all a part of life, I should believe him because we all know I've shared my doubts - but I guess it was different because I knew deep down inside I want to be with him. I don't knwo what to do....I've never been so hurt and confused my entire life.

I'm sitting at work, so tired!! I don't feel like being here - I want to be back in bed. School starts very soon - I thought I was ready, I'm not.

So I leave you with this - If you love someone do you let them go? I don't want to.

12:54 pm: I hate waiting on people!
If there's one thing I hate (well of course there's more than one) but I definately hate waiting on people and being at their beckon call. I hate when you make plans with someone and they say they'll call you - how long am I supposed to wait? When do I get ready? It just irritates me. I guess it has to do with me being in control. Control Freak! Oh well - not necessarily a bad thing.

On a happier note - today is going much better than yesterday! Happiness is being in love.

That's all for now folks!